Those days were amazing.
Being a kid, you know, what else was I to do but to live the Dragon?
I'd study the music note for note. I read every interview.
Copied every outfit, every move, you know, every look.
My pursuit of perfection was relentless.
The music deserved that.
All right, ladies. Spread them.
Rob, you're not nailing the squeal.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
Check it out.
Play it like that.
That's it. That's a ping, not a squeal.
- Sounds just like the tape, man. - No. Raunchier.
Again, please.
That was great. Thank you.
From the top.
Hold on!
Hey, Jeremy, no.
What are you doing? You know what this is?
Lubricator, signed by all five band members with the original cover.
Look. Jorgen's name is misspelled. It should be an "E."
You know how much I can get for it?
Peace to you too, dude. Try it like this.
Mom? Mom, isn't my room off-limits?
I'm sorry, Chris. Oh, what were you doing?
- How are you? - Good. How's Willard?
- He's fine. You look nice. - Thank you.
Here, hold on. You got a smudge.
- Bye. Gotta run. - Bye. Love you.
Love you too. Bye.
I need more power! I want more!
Come on, come on.
Nina and Samantha!
Hey, Chris.
- Coming to my show in a week? - Of course.
- Want to hand out fliers? - Absolutely.
- You guys look awesome. - Bye.
We're a band called Blood Pollution...
a Steel Dragon tribute band, the best in Pittsburgh.
Thank you.
I wrote this one for someone who ripped out my heart.
And put it through a bloody blender!
That's right.
This one's for Kim, who makes me want to stand up and shout.
Em, I'll be right back, okay?
Excuse me.
You think I could have one?
Not without a blowjob and a sex change, pal. But have a nice day.
- Come on, girls. This way. - See you, Chris.
Oh, that was awesome!
That was the heaviest since Columbus in '77.
Heavier than the Demented tour.
- I ask you, did they not rock? - They totally rocked.
Guys.
What the...?
Come on.
Oh, I thought I smelled pussy.
Look who's here.
- If it isn't Yoko Ono and the Fag Five. - What are you doing?
Making sure nobody sees some cut-rate copy band.
Cut-rate? This dude can't even tune his own guitar.
- You could work on your lip-synch. - I don't lip-synch.
Be doing everyone a favor if you did.
You could get the outfit right.
Boots from the Wasted tour and a cheap Twisted jacket.
You are so fully wrong, cocksmoker. This is official issue.
The actual vest Bobby wore on the Twisted tour.
My dad bought it from someone who knows them.
Sorry, but your dad got ripped.
The lapels should be blue, there's no green in the embroidery.
As a matter of fact, can anybody here honestly say...
they've ever seen Bobby Beers with a jacket with red lapels?
- No, I can't. - I don't think so.
You can make me his pants.
Or did she already rip out the Dodge seats?
No. First tell me what you put there to make people think you're a guy.
- This is all me, baby. - You and a few ballet slippers.
- You want a piece of me? - No, I'm good.
- Want to see how a real man... - Don't touch her.
- Let go of my cape. - Let go of my cape!
Get your ass out of bed.
Get out of here.
- Let's go. Get up. - Get out of here.
Move it.
Where you hiding your stash these days?
Get out! I didn't do anything.
That's the problem. You never do anything.
- Get out of here, pig! - God... Fucking...
Come on!
Mom! Mom!
Jeez, boys. Quit. Break it up. Chris, give him a break. Come on.
- Stop it! - Tell him to get out!
- Used to be my room. - Not anymore!
Because I moved out when I was 18.
- We're having breakfast. - Keep him out!
Get ready for work. Will you go downstairs?
- Keep him out! - All right, he's gone.
So you arrested Mervin for drunk driving?
He was parked on the Brennemans' lawn.
Claims he was going out for ice cream. Same story.
- Chris, so how was the show? - It was fine.
- The freaks were out in force. - Why weren't you busting heads?
- Female officers handle that crowd. - You want to go?
- Come on. - Saved again. Should take her to work.
- Good one. - Did they do "Black Babylon"?
They haven't played that since Osaka in '75.
- That is pathetic that you know. - I love that song.
Okay, genius, who's buried in Grant's tomb?
It's twisted that you're still living at home, stealing Ma's makeup.
Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
How much longer will you put up with this?
The rock star fantasy thing is something you grow out of at 14.
If I get lucky, I'll get to grow up and listen to Air Supply like you.
What's wrong with Air Supply?
Nothing, if you're from the Village People.
You know what the sickest thing is about you?
It's that you don't have any fantasies of your own.
You fantasize about being somebody else.
Wearing somebody else's clothes. Singing somebody else's songs.
It's pathetic.
- Get a haircut. - Okay, Satan's allegiant.
Have a good one, son.
- You didn't eat. - Later. I love you guys.
Love you too.
- I love you. - You do this every time.
I question his sexuality, Ma. I do.
Here's the procedure, so it won't happen again. Don't stick a pen in.
I'll give you a simple one-two-three procedure.
It's 1-2-3. Pop that down, push this.
Pull back on this lever, free up the jam and you can access...
Is there something wrong?
Is that mascara?
- I'm in a band. Okay? - Oh, okay.
Can you follow the 1-2-3 without sticking a pen in there?
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Bye-bye.
Sorry about that.
When's Marci getting back?
She and Rob went to see Wham! Won't be back for a while.
Wham!? Oh, God.
George Michael's a wuss. I'm gonna give Rob shit for it.
He'll want to cover that.
All right, you.
Okay, now just relax.
- Is it numb? - I think so.
Feel that?
- Sure you want to do this? - Yeah, Bobby did it last week.
- I love you, babe. - I love you.
Okay, don't look. Don't look.
- God, that had to hurt. - Yes, it does. Oh, God.
You want to do the other one?
No. You want to do yours?
- Maybe. - Come on. Let's do yours.
Testing, testing. One, two.
- No way! - That's right. That's my boy.
All right, ladies, who had the weenies?
Do I have too much foundation on?
I keep putting this shit on till I want to fuck myself.
- Hey, Rob, you wearing underwear? - No.
Rob.
You know the drill. No panties.
- Get up. - I am not freezing my balls...
Just stand up and drop it.
- I'm not taking it off. - Come on.
If you want, take them off. I am not taking off...
Your woman's an animal!
All right!
Before we get too into this party.
- I love you! - Love you too.
Before we get too deep into this party, I want to thank Key Steel...
for letting us use their place of business to pay tribute...
to the metal created by none other than Steel Dragon!
And a special thanks to my brother, Joe...
who gave me my first Dragon record because he hated it.
And to my parents, because they let me play it as loud as I wanted!
- That's my boy! - That's my baby!
Because they rock!
Now, this next tune...
I’d like to dedicate to someone who, when I first met...
ripped my heart out and put it through a bloody blender.
That's right! This one's for Emily!
She turns me up and shakes me down and makes me want to what?
Stand up and shout!
What was that?
What was what?
There's no solo break after the chorus.
They don't care.
That's not how the song goes.
I know how the song goes.
If you know how it goes, then play it right.
Chris, you are taking this shit too seriously.
That's right, because the music deserves to be taken seriously.
If you don't, you don't deserve to play it.
All right, you need to get a grip.
You've ruined your performance. Do not ruin mine!
Hey!
Plug that fucker back in.
Quit it!
- That's my amp! - Do not ruin this concert! Do not!
Hey, fuck this concert!
Here we go again.
- Hit him in the bollocks. - That wraps it up for tonight.
Grab a T-shirt and cassette on your way out. Thanks for coming.
Cut it.
- What's up? - What's he doing here?
- What are you doing here? - Bradley's our new front man.
You made your point. Get him out now.
- Only one leaving is you. - Chris, see these?
It's the new P.A. He brought with him. And that's the new mixing board.
Have you heard his voice?
- Sit and spin. - Dude, just relax.
I don't care if Bradley can hit the notes Bobby Beers can hit.
Bobby's leaving the band anyway.
- You don't know. - Nina and Samantha say he's leaving.
- Bullshit. - It doesn't matter.
We want people to hear our originals. We're tired of being a cover band.
- We're a tribute band. - No, dude. We are a cover band.
The problem is, you think you're in Steel Dragon.
I love you, man, but you're mental.
Get a grip on reality. You don't know where Bobby Beers ends and you begin.
I'm mental, because I don't want to be in a cheesy bar band...
that butchers music and makes them listen to your crappy originals!
Crappy? "Whole and a Half" kicks ass. I'm proud to have written it.
That's why we got so many requests for it.
Don't shit on me because you're scared to write your own songs.
Yeah, that's it. I'm too scared.
If you wanna make it, you write your own tunes.
Thanks for the tip, bro. Look, come on, guys.
We loved playing Dragon tunes. We couldn't imagine playing anything else.
- I thought it'd be a goof. - A goof?
Wouldn't you rather fail as yourself...
than succeed as a Bobby Beers clone?
You can write a song about why I would wanna do that!
All right, you're gone. Just go!
What's so fucking funny?
Babe, come on. Let's go.
Fine. This is my mike stand! I'm taking it! These are my cables.
I'll get new cables.
- Don't think I'm coming back. - I don't.
- Well, that's because I'm not. - Good.
I'm serious. If I leave, I'm not coming back!
- You said that! - Shut up, Bradley.
Last time.
Emily.
If you still want to manage us, then it's okay with us.
Rob, I'm a businesswoman.
Rule one in this business is you go where the talent is...
and all the fucking talent that was in this band just left.
You know, those guys are so replaceable.
It'll take me five minutes to put together a band and blow them away.
Maybe this is just a sign.
You know, just time to move on.
I'm not in the mood to look on the bright side now.
No, this is an opportunity for you...
to write your own songs.
Why?
Be another clown with a guitar, trying to get attention? No way.
Remember what you wrote for me on my birthday?
- No. - Yes, you do.
Come on, please. It's embarrassing.
Are you done making fun of me yet?
I love that song.
You're not getting it. You're not hearing me.
I'm telling you, first time I ever saw you...
first time I laid eyes on you...
sophomore year, Bill Starbuck in The Rainmaker.
I said to myself, "Oh, my God, that guy's got it."
I mean, my heart stopped.
And I said, "That guy is going all the way."
I was just singing someone else's lines.
I did not write them.
- My favorite color is rainbow. - Mine's mauve.
I said no. Haley, did you answer the telephone? Thank you.
Sunshine Daycare.
Chris! Telephone!
Telephone! You want to help me crack eggs?
- I want five. - Five eggs.
Chris? Is that Chris Cole?
- Who is this? - This is Kirk Cuddy.
Ricki, your accent is as lame as your playing.
What do you suggest I do about my playing?
Who is this?
I told you, it's Kirk Cuddy. I play in a band called Steel Dragon.
- Maybe you've heard of us. - I don't have time.
Hang on, hang on. Listen to this, all right?
Are you lip-synching?
If this is Kirk, what did you call your third wife?
Do we have to talk about that old slag? I called her Sugar Bum.
The second wife, too. It's why the third left.
Now I affectionately refer to all ladies as Tottie.
Is that enough for you?
My God, this is unbelievable. I was sorry to hear about your dog.
Pookie?
Yeah. I sent flowers but I didn't get a response.
But I figured you're so busy.
Can we get past the This Is Your Life crap?
There's a ticket waiting for you for a flight to L.A. Tomorrow.
- Are you serious? - Of course I'm serious.
- Tell no one about this. - Yes, sir.
Good man. I'll see you tomorrow.
Bye.
Right there.
I'm Chris Cole.
I'm Tania. I work with the band.
- You went out with Bobby. - You look like Bobby.
- Is that all you brought? - My manager.
We traded the first-class ticket for two coach.
How resourceful.
Yeah, well, I thought so.
What was that? Did you see that?
Why are we here?
I should let Kirk explain everything to you.
Are those your breasts?
I'm sorry. What?
Your breasts. Are they yours?
Well, you know, I don't remember.
They're quite sensational.
Well, thanks. That's just what I was going for.
So you're in a Steel Dragon cover band.
- Tribute band. - Right.
I'm kind of sort of in between bands right now.
- Your pants. - Emily had them made for me.
I bet they're easy to get in and out of.
So, when do we get there? Tania, is it?
Tania.
- Are you famous? - No, we're nobody. Sorry.
- Well, you should be! - Oh, thank you. Bye.
- Can you get us in? - I'm just trying to get in myself.
Follow me, darlings.
This is Bobby's Twisted tour in '77.
- Look at that. - See the dragon?
That's Sammy!
Look!
It's a '58 Flying V in fire-mist gold.
And it's the real one. Look. The fingerboards are rosewood.
That's from the Delirious tour, right?
- Are you two coming or what? - Yeah. Sorry.
Wait right here, all right?
Thanks a lot, Ralph. That's great.
- That's it? - Yeah. Very nice. Thanks.
Lovely.
They're ready for you now.
What's up?
Thanks for coming. Not too fagged out?
- I don't think so. - Mats, the road manager.
I saw you in Pittsburgh. You gave everybody a pass but me.
From the looks of you, I had good reason.
We saw a tape of you singing provided by Nina and Samantha.
Is the incredible voice really yours?
- Cocksuckers! - That would be you, Bobby.
You think some child can replace me?
You want to do your thing.
- You're firing me? - Calm down.
You calm down, you wanker!
- It's because I'm gay, isn't it? - You're gay?
No, I have pierced nipples and a house in Morocco because I'm John Wayne.
Have you listened to the lyrics of "Stand Up"?
Did you really think that Kim was a girl?
- Kim was a guy? - Yeah, Kim was a guy.
He's my lover, to the horror of these sausage-jockeys.
- As if we give a toss. - Just keep your dick away from me.
Stop it, man.
You don't turn up for recording sessions.
You missed half the gigs, and when you did show...
I am Steel Dragon! Without me, you're nothing!
Give us a break.
You'll be playing for coppers in the tube without me!
We'll see.
Yeah. We'll see.
- What's going on? - I don't know.
My scarf.
- Take it. - Yeah, I will.
Good.
If I leave now, I'm never coming back. Never.
Heard you the first time.
What you looking at?
You think you can dress like me and be a star?
- No, sir. - You have no idea what it takes.
You think it's all sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll?
You got the sex wrong.
I never touch drugs. No one does a gig like I do half-cut.
Not even at your age.
And it's bed, 11:30 every night before a gig. That's what it takes.
Just do your own thing.
Get your own life. It's like being bloody Elvis.
Except Elvis was the king.
And I'm just the queen.
Very funny.
Ha-bloody-ha.
Bastards. You bastards.
Sorry about that.
- Missed your cue. - Yeah, sorry, IK...
- You do know this song? - Yes, sir.
We'll pick it up just coming out of the intro.
I'm sorry.
We wasting our time here?
Sorry. Could I start it one more time?
All right, go again.
Sorry about that.
I love you.
Well, mate, do you want the gig, then?
Look in the lens, guys. Go. Get in there more.
Give me attitude. Two double-platinum records.
You're playing the Forum. You got 20 girls who want to be with you.
Give me rock star attitude. Hold that. Here we go.
Hey, Izzy, let's try one with attitude. No smile.
Sorry.
Better. Now you're looking cool.
Come on, right in my lens. Nice shot. Attitude.
We combed this entire planet looking for someone...
heavy enough to pull this off and we found a star.
When this guy sings, you'll forget about Bobby Beers. I promise you.
Izzy! Is that your name? Izzy?
Yeah, the name's Izzy, like Izzy's Revenge.
Holy shit.
Izzy? I'm not calling him Izzy.
Can you hit all the notes Bobby can?
That's why I'm in the band.
Stand up and shout
How do you keep your voice in such great shape?
My choir teacher gives me really cool exercises...
He eats a lot of pussy, that's how.
Yeah, I eat a lot of pussy.
- Classy. - Like father, like son.
- That's my boy. - Come on, you guys.
- How was I? - So good. So comfortable.
- I messed up my accent. - It was great.
- Nice way to handle that "pussy" line. - I can't argue with him.
Izzy, don't worry. I'll make an honest man out of you.
I eat a lot of pussy.
Loads of it.
I eat a lot of pussy.
Tons.
I got my voice eating pussy, man. It's a vocal technique exercise.
I got it eating pussy. Loads of it. All the time.
It's all I do. Breakfast, morning, noon, night. I've got to have it.
It's all I do, is eat pussy. I love it.
Either get in here and do it or shut up.
Hold on. Oh, shit! I eat pussy!
Hi. I'm Izzy's mother.
- Have a good one. - I'll see you up there.
- Did you see all the people? - I know. Just breathe.
You'll be great. Nobody knows these songs better.
- True. - Be yourself, Chris.
- Don't get... - Izzy.
You'll be great, babe. I love you so much.
I love you too.
All right, matey. Time to go to work.
Sorry, darling, back to the henhouse.
I'm gonna sit with his parents.
Whatever twirls your beanie. Come on, mate.
- I gotta piss. - What? You gotta piss?
- Go now. - I can't.
Or you gotta use it. Use it. You're awesome. Bye, babe.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Well, you're in my house now, mate. And I ain't lost a man yet.
- Let's do it. - Here we go.
Let's do it, Mats.
This is your coronation, my dear.
There you go.
All right, boy.
You're okay.
You won't need it, but there's a bucket in each wing, all right?
- Up you go. - All right, Mats.
Break a leg!
Are you all right, Izzy?
END OF CD 1